When I lost my virginity last April I felt like “that’s it?”; not that it wasn’t fun, but despite making me feel more like a whole person and lifting my mood noticeably for many a day afterward, I didn’t feel all that different. But now that I’m back in the United States I’m wondering if there really is something to the idea that losing your virginity really does exert some deep spiritual power over us, just as the lore surrounding it suggests.
The reason? When I look into the camera and take a picture of myself I look different than before my virgin self left for Europe; and not just because I’m thinner and more wholesome. No, the look in my eyes has undergone a distinct change; whenever I gaze into the camera I actually look sexy now, dare I say even hot, like I’m going somewhere specifically to fuck someone and I know I can do it too. In a word, I suppose I have confidence.
True, the girl I went on my two dates with was paid, but that doesn’t seem to have really mattered; by hook or by crook, I know I can get sex, because I’ve done it, and what’s more…I like it.
I didn’t even notice until I came back to my home dance studios and partied with some of the prettier girls there (ah…the wonders of social dancing); looking at her directly in the eyes and gazing, touching, and talking to her like I’m in charge of her and it’s going to be the most fun time she’s ever had in her life, up to and including sex, because I’m totally hot, the most gorgeous guy ever. Yes, it sounds like I have a god complex, but while the language I use is heavily exaggerated, the vibe it’s describing is real.
Turns out I did have something of a psychological block with regards to socializing with women and the slightest escalation of sexual tension, perhaps because I had been saving myself for someone special to me, thus shutting down any sexuality to my social interactions, even unto coming off rather child-like in all probability. Well…now that I’ve found special someone (though not in a way I would have expected or even wanted to when I was a teenager), that’s all over; the dam has broken, the barrier has dissolved into the ether from whence it came.
I’m a big-time romantic when it comes to first times, especially when it comes to sex, and my attractions are (apparently) extremely picky. Where I’ve lived I’m sexually attracted in any noticeable way to perhaps 1% of the young women I see…though I noticed on my vacation that at Monaco’s Port Hercule the fraction was more like 50%. Perhaps if I was privileged enough to have grown up in that world things would have been much better in my teens and twenties. As it is, it took me until age 30 just to make it to Amsterdam…and I’m not sorry I had to wait; my companion was worth every year and every doubt — she was that good.
Now that she’s burned into my sexual memory forever as my first (I’m seriously obsessed with her; hardly a few hours go by that my mind doesn’t wander back to our dates, making me feel so happy), I suppose the prospect of taking someone else to bed is just much lower-stakes, and much less nerve-rattling. “See a hot girl? Take her out for a spin! You’ve got this”, my subconscious might be saying now. I realize that in a key psychological way I’m already a brand new me…a me that I’m enjoying very much.
The girls are enjoying the new me a lot more too; the black pill is a white pill in my case, in as much as I’m glowing up to the point where I look as gorgeous as the TikTok influencers with only fairly minimal facetuning (which they themselves use to the hilt, by the way), and when I take charge of a girl on a dance floor, look into her eyes, talk to her boldly, and ooze sensuality and even sexuality with my touch, they all like it. And they like me. After all, the rules of the game are “one: be attractive; two: don’t be unattractive”. And I’m starting to follow both now.
Having gotten a taste of what it’s like to be hotter and sexier, and really enjoying it, much more so than I frankly even dared to imagine, I’m starting to think being sex on two legs should be a goal for how I want to be in the future. New me will be walking sex: tanner, blonder, thinner. Not to mention young and hot.
Oozing sensuality, loving to dance and flirt with hot girls to heart-pumping music that’s totally modern and on-trend? Yes, that’s me now. Why can’t it be me? Why shouldn’t it? I deserve to be the best me I can be, and my best self is fun, fashionable, and fuckable.
I can just be fun, fashionable, and fuckable if I want to. I just needed to believe. Maybe it took actually being shown what’s possible with a $1000 a night dream suite and a $3000 a day dream escort in my case, but so help me, I can believe now. And believing is the first step toward doing. Time for my life to begin.
Maybe with my beautification regimen I have something to look forward to that I can really believe in. Maybe that’s why I’ve noticed I get over things much more easily now and just want to have fun. Why not nurture that development? Why not build on this achievement and craft a new me, a happy me. I believe it from the bottom of my heart now: I’m a naturally happy person. Liquid California sunshine.
I’m a fun person too, because of course I’d be a fun person! Like, the whole point of life is to have fun. Fun is what I want more than anything. It won’t be long before I can look in the mirror at my gorgeous self and say my affirmation every morning as I do my beauty routine: “I am tan, I am blond, and I am fun”. New me is fun.
I’m a gorgeous slut who only wants to enjoy everything our lovely world has to offer. I love the world we live in. I’m a naturally happy person who’s sensual and fashionable, injecting a nexus of sexuality into everything I do at every moment.
How can I be a better me, a more sensual me?
I need to do a lot more stretching exercises, for one; I’m naturally flexible (so all my dance teachers and gym coaches say) but I’ve never truly pushed myself to be all I can be. Why not push all the way to e.g. doing full splits on a daily basis? I know I can do it; I just need to find the right mindset. Becoming a brand new me who’s liquid California sunshine will be perfect for that. I’m going to use my newfound power to improve myself to be the best me I can be.
I know ballroom, latin, swing, even a bit of country dancing, but would a tan, blond, and fun embodiment of liquid California sunshine be doing that? Is “ballroom, latin, swing, even a bit of country” making me fashionable and fuckable? Frankly, no. A me who did jazz and especially hip-hop dancing would be much fitter, funner, fashionable, and fuckable than the old depressing dull-as-dishwater me; hip-hop dancing is where the youthfulness is, and I am the embodiment of youthfulness. Tan, blond, fun me, therefore, is the embodiment of hip-hop.
Singing training will help me a lot, with my speech and even my posture, even in addition to giving me a singing voice for the first time in my life. I want to see what my voice can do when I’m still young and pretty. New me dances hip-hop and can sing. New me knows music and feels the vibration in my body: head to toe, inside and out, one with the beat, one with the rhythms of life in our beautiful universe.
Tai chi, qigong, and the like will be good for the new me too. Talk about being one with the flow of existence…
Weave this spiritual practice in with my dancing and all my other pursuits in life? Tan, blond, fun me not only enjoys the sensual side of life, but also takes care of my soul. Taking a deep breath and doing my exercises outside in the sunshine and fresh air instead of getting all mad and tensed up in between being hunched over a screen indoors; that’s soooo how I want to be. Why can’t I just be that person?
“Outside in the sunshine and fresh air” is not just a detail, it’s essential; it just hit me now that I’m back in the godawful heat and humidity of the eastern United States that makes me feel like I’m going to die that I spent a lot of time outdoors in the sunshine and fresh air in Europe. Often for most of an entire day, for weeks and months at a time, which was unheard of for me in any period of my life past early childhood. I think that, along with an indulgent yet modest portion of food and drink consisting primarily of steak and wine (yes, really), has played a large role in my glow-up so far. I’m going to continue all that.
I’m going to not only enjoy a sensuous fine meal (because I am sensual; of course I’d love a bottle of wine and a big ribeye steak every day) and get outdoors as much as possible. New me knows that fun is outside in the sun, not inside under fluorescent lights and air conditioning. New me loves the sun, the sand, the surf. I am liquid California sunshine.
I am tan, I am blond, I am fun…