Say all you want about the virtue of being “natural”, but you try being someone who just wants that dream body, a dream body that’s modest in the grand scheme of things (like a typical athletic model or a hot actor)…and finds only struggle and suffering when attempting a workout routine that will only ever get you a hundredth of the way there no matter how long you try.
Especially when you want that dream physique in a matter of months, not years or decades, and you’re already on not only 400 milligrams of caffeine (thank you, tasty Celsius drinks…) but also corticosteroids that amount to the equivalent of 7.5 milligrams of prednisone!
That would be the situation I’m in this week. I’ve done my first two exercise classes plus a session with a personal trainer at a luxury gym here in California’s southern reaches (yes, I know I’m turning into an LA stereotype; no, I don’t care), and the results so far aren’t pretty. Oh, it’s not all bad; I can work out, sure, even do the moves. But it feels like a struggle to get through, even what, for a version of me with my dream body and dream physique, should be a warm-up session! What’s worse: the day after I feel sore. Not even a massage helps all that much. And during the workout itself I can tell I’m moving slower and in a lot of the moves I have bad form because my body just can’t hold up.
I’ve got a decent amount of muscle mass and I look good; not muscular by any stretch of the imagination, but even at a hair salon that caters to celebrities and a gym that caters to rich people I kinda just blend in. But I suspect I look like I’m in better shape than I actually am in some essential way. I faced the same issue the last few years I hit the gym regularly, before I left for my vacation in Europe: I just kinda struggle through and always lag a bit behind when it comes to fitness workouts. And this was with a routine that’s nowhere near intensive enough to build the sort of body I have in mind; really it was just enough to mostly maintain muscle mass while losing a lot of fat weight.
Luckily for me I do better with strength training, resistance training, weightlifting, and the like than I do with cardio workouts; the former I can at least get through a whole hour, whereas the latter just drain me and turn me off ever going to the gym again after a few minutes. But the rub is I just don’t do well enough with it.
And keep in mind the only reason I could even stand to do that much without my body being so sore and my struggle being so insufferable that I just quit was because I took low-dose corticosteroids as a pre-workout. If even that isn’t enough, then I’m going to need something stronger in my medicine cabinet: I’m going to need to use chemical means to maximize the results each minute of those workouts gets me, because I frankly don’t have the time to waste and I’m never going to get through the sort of program it takes to build up such a physique naturally anyway. That much feels increasingly clear to me this week.
Luckily I figured as much even before I started working out again after that months-long absence from the gym, and I’ve pretty much already thought up the anabolic steroid cycle I’d be taking: oral Dianabol, starting at a low but still efficacious dose and ramping up to a peak, then a simple taper off of it, the cycle from beginning to end lasting perhaps a couple months.
Unfortunately you can’t just pick the stuff up of the shelf…legally. But there are plenty of reputable vendors who are willing to overlook that part. My favorite, and the preferred choice of smart people, is vendors on “darknet markets”, online retail websites that only may be accessed through the encrypted and anonymous networks of the Dark Web and that only take cryptocurrency (Bitcoin and, of late, Monero are the go-to payment methods).
I spent last night looking it up, and filtering through information available on Dread (the leading forum on the Dark Web for discussing such things), it’s been shockingly easy to find reputable and (apparently) high-quality vendors for the stuff I’m wanting to take. The way I understand it, there are several options where you can just place an order, send them the cryptocurrency, and a (suitably discreet) package will be delivered at your door within days, containing the drugs you want.
And at a great price too, it seems. As I write this I’m looking at a listing for a package containing a hundred capsules which contain 10 milligrams of Dianabol each. The cost? $25. That’s it. For reference, 20 to 30 milligrams a day is considered a solid beginner dose. Which in this case is two to three capsules. If you take two a day, that one order will last you 50 days; easily enough for an entire cycle! For $25 that seems like a steal, but steroids have a reputation for being cheap. A different but equally top-rated vendor has capsules of Dianabol dosed at 40 milligrams each; their bottle of 30 of these capsules sells for $40. Significantly more expensive, but in the same ballpark; these underground laboratories can do good work surprisingly affordably, from what I’ve heard. As do the factories in India and so forth where they produce the stuff for use in the regulated medical system.
Even if you were taking 100 milligrams of the stuff every day for two months (probably not the best idea), you’d just need one new shipment from the 10-mg-a-pill vendor every 10 days. Two months is 60 days, so you’d need six of these packages; adds up to…$150. Even from more expensive places you’re probably going to keep it well under the $500 mark per cycle. Works out to cheaper than my gym membership; holy smoke…
I even already have some cryptocurrency on hand; it was such a small amount that I was sure I’d have to buy some more before delving into the dark side of the Web, but the stuff I want is so affordable I might not even need to acquire any more, at least if I wish to place a test order: one package, to see if it’s actually delivered safely and I’m not just scammed, and, assuming I actually get the pills, to see if their contents are real and safe (and if I have a good reaction to them…).
I wouldn’t want to put my body through both getting used to working out again and adjusting to extra hormones at the same time, so I’ll be waiting on adding anything to my cart on the Dark Web, let alone checking out…but I suspect I’ll be working out with the dark side helping me sooner than anyone (myself included) might have expected…